Five Things That Will Save You in English Courses

Everything I'm about to tell you is something you can trust. Why? Because I'm an English instructor. Also, I am friends with and converse often with other English instructors who teach a plethora (<
Why am I telling you this? Well, I'm not risking my life or anything. It's not a secret. Chances are your English prof has hinted at these five things in class. I'm here to tell you again and to emphasize how true these simple acts of English kindness really are.

So...if you want to make English courses easy on yourself, take these five things to heart.

5. Tricks are For Kids

I put my hands up, tricking out my paper, the butterflies fly away

If you are taking a beginning English course at a university, chances are your instructor is younger and KNOWS YOUR STUPID TRICKS! Making a period 32 pt size to get more spacing? Really? Adjusting the margins? Tweaking the font size, line spacing, indentation, or header? Dude, we have been there. We know these things. Also, 3 inch margins are super noticeable. This leads me to my next piece of advice...

4. Just do the Work

If eventually he'll write Shakespeare, you can write your %$^@# essay

Seriously. Just do it. It's really not that hard once you actually sit (or set, crap) your butt down to do it. Your instructor wants a 3-page paper on ethos, pathos, and logos. Do it! Tell your buddies to just back off for like one day and do the work. Also, if you know you are a slow writer, then waiting until 2:00 am the night before sounds like a disaster to me (and also like college). Most of your instructors are realistic. They know that 9.9/none of you have worked on this assignment for more than last night (there are outlying overachievers, but we'll leave them there). We don't expect you to etch your essay in gold. Just do it!

3. Do We have to Be LeVar Burton to Get you to Read?

This is LeVar Burton for the age impaired

Speaking of Nike, just do the readings too. Do you know why your teacher has you read articles or stuff from your book? Because he or she doesn't want to lecture you on thesis statements for an hour. Do you want that? Didn't think so. English instructors, for the most part, like to have class discussions where students can talk about issues happening in the now. Doesn't that sound better than a lecture on the semi-colon and its uses? Just read the assignment. It won't hurt you anymore than looking at your facebook feed (except during election season). Try to understand what you are reading,  retain it for class, and you just might fight yourself participating instead of sleeping with your shades on like a douchebag.

2. Conferences are not for their health

"Billy, your paper is you typing "oh shit" over and over"

Often, English instructors have conferences which means they set aside an allotted portion of time to meet with each student. First, let me tell you that even though many teachers cancel their classes this week, this isn't no joy ride, son. This is a long, tiring week where your teacher sees about 15-20 of you at least 4 of the 5 days from 8:00 to 4:00 and even later if they have grading. This isn't a vacation week like it is for you. Also, they prepare for these meetings. They read your rough drafts, mark on the paper, and are ready to give feedback. With conferences where you bring your draft, they are ready to help you make it better. And what do you do? Not bring it, not come, not nothing. Nada. Being stood up by a date is horrible, but by a student it is no better. Imagine making a mixed CD, giving it to your crush and they just throw it in the trash right in front of you. Feel those feelings? Feel them? Yeah. That's the tip of the iceburg, punk. Come prepared.

1. Those Marks on Your Paper Are not Hieroglyphics

"I Offer my Blue Inked words to the goddess of who ever reads this!"

So, you get your paper back from your teacher. Let's say it's a rough draft. You are suppose to make corrections. Guess what? IF YOU JUST DO WHAT IS MARKED YOU WILL GET A DECENT GRADE! Your prof spent hours marking all those papers, and it wasn't to appease some ink-savoring deity. Those words are for you, like little text messages on your paper. That's why you feel the wrath of God when you turn it in without taking the comments seriously! This is super simple and will save your soul. Also, when you get a paper with a grade, there is more (usually) than just a letter grade at the top. There are other markings written in a language called English that have these words that form sentences which tell you how to not screw up next time. 

Trans-itioning Through Hate

Too little purple and too much hate

Earlier this year, I was involved with gay & lesbian and feminist groups on my campus to raise awareness about trans issues. Admittedly, prior to this I had little knowledge of these issues myself. Although I have been relatively active in gay and lesbian issues in my community and on campus, I had never researched trans issues, because I did not feel like they related to me. I felt that it was not my battle; however, I've come to realize that the discrimination that trans people suffer are very parallel to anyone who is not a heterosexual male.

The suicide rate for transgender people is 50%. If you know two transgender people, then one of them has more than likely attempted suicide, perhaps even both. Depending on which website you read, gay and lesbian youth are five times more likely to commit suicide. They are three times more likely as adults. And, collectively, almost  non-heterosexual people suffer from discrimination.

Not only do transgender people (and GLBTQ individuals as well) suffer from suicide and discrimination, they are often the victims of violence and sexual harassment.

If you find these statistics appalling or what to know more about Trans issues, click "TranSouth". This is a digital version of the zine created last semester to raise awareness about transgender issues and learn more about transgender individuals

Bad Etiquette for Zombie Enthusiasts

On May 26th, police killed a man who was nakedly eating another man's face. The man who was attacked is recouping at a Miami hospital with obvious wounds to his head and also to his legs.

Because of the zombie-like behavior of the man, this Huffington post article has been shared almost 60,000 times with as many as 250,000 likes. What is scarier than the drugged out, disturbed individual in is article is the compassion, common decency, and humanism missing from my Facebook feed and from comments on the article itself. It seems this article has spurred zombie enthusiasts into their own feeding frenzy, clogging up their posts with jokes about melee weapons, guns, and other supplies necessary for a zombie apocalypse.

Now, before someone starts whining about me "ruining all their fun" and "it was only a joke" let me say that I am a huge fan of the zombie entertainment industry; however, you can be damn well sure I don't want a zombie apocalypse to happen even if it could (in the way portrayed by Hollywood anyways).Putting the joking about a man's death aside, there is nothing appealing about a zombie apocalypse. 

I highly doubt these will be your post-apocalyptic procreation choices

Besides being hunted every day of your life until you eventually die (sooner rather than later), your time will consist of foraging for food, learning weapons, contending for alpha(fe)male, building fortresses, tearing down fortresses, moving....in other words, think about that History Channel special about prehistoric men who may have lived during the dinosaurs and multiple that by your lucky number.

This isn't a joke, kids. This is a man's life. If you actually read the article and/or watch the video, you will notice that they say that the man was likely coked out of his mind. This is a very sad story, and I don't think the family of the man who almost died would appreciate the zombie nonsense.