Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

The equality symbol has gone viral on all forms of social networking. It has been inspiring to see such support for marriage equality in the United States. This viral symbol as well as pending rulings about Prop 8 and DOMA has also caused some backlash from fierce and dedicated antis.

There is no blog, meme, or video that can truly convince everyone. The beauty and frustration of free speech is the free part. People are free to believe certain ideas others may find incredulous. We have UFOs, Big Foot, Lochness, and a host of other conspiracy theories that some people truly put stock in. But there is a huge difference between Joe who has spotted a flying saucer and posts the video on the internet, and Jimmy who denounces marriage equality. The difference is how it affects others.

I am a lesbian. I'm also a teacher, daughter, volunteer, book-lover and cat-mom. Being a lesbian is a small part of who I am, but it engulfs every day of my existence. This not something that cis-gender, strictly heterosexual people understand.

A high school girl who is attracted to men goes to bed at night and freely thinks about that boy she likes in her math class without fear of consequences or what her parents might think (unless perhaps he is an ethnicity or race frowned on by said parents). She can flirt with him in class and not fear bullying or malicious teasing. Her salvation is not called into question, because she likes this boy. It is "normal."

Parallel that with a girl lying in bed confused, because a girl in her math class makes her heart flutter. She's heard that people like this go to hell and that God does not love them. And she wants to be loved, longs for it, so she tries to forget her crush and sleep. She doesn't mention her inner battles to her parents, because they might take her to the church elders for prayer. She couldn't stand the look in their eyes saying, "How did the devil get into this one? We thought she was good."  She can't open up to a friend because they have the same doctrine, and even her friends outside of church might tell other people. She holds leadership positions, teaches Bible studies, sings in choir...she could lose everything and become nothing more than a lost soul who has to work her way back up out of the pit again.

So, she decides that she'll do better to repress what's happening to her. She cries  and prays for deliverance. She's cried the same prayer for 7 years and in some ways it's gotten worse. She remembers that God must have a reason, but she can't help but think that no reason is good to keep her this way. She's dying inside. She's supposed to be full of the joy of the Lord in all avenues of her life and in everything she is. But this. This eats at her everyday like a song she can't forget or a word she can't remember. It's always there even when she doesn't acknowledge its presence, so she wonders if she's demon possessed. She closes her eyes and sees that girl from school and cries harder. She screams at God and immediately feels guilty. Her pillow is soaked, so she throws it aside for another one. She tries to stop crying. She tries to think of boys in her classes and hates how she feels....nothing. She thinks about the girl again just for a moment to feel her heart flutter. She hates herself for feeling truly alive in those moments; those moments she keeps in her memory like official documents in locked, fireproof safes. She wishes she were a boy, not because she wants all the anatomy, but because then she wouldn't have to feel this guilt. She imagines herself with short hair and baggy pants playing the guitar outside the girl's window. The fantasy makes her feel calm and even somewhat happy. She doesn't want any of this, so she tries to accept the fact that God must want her to if He hasn't taken it away yet.

Maybe if she's better, he will finally take it away. Maybe if she stops listening to secular music or watching movies, she would be worthy of deliverance. She calmly whispers, asking God to let her prove herself. She'll fast and pray more, anything to take this away. "Help me," she begs. "Please.

If you haven't figured it out yet, this girl is me. So, don't tell me homosexuality or anything "not heterosexual" is a sin. Don't tell me not to act on my attractions even if my feelings are natural. Don't tell me you don't approve. Don't tell me who I am supposed to love. Don't tell me that it's okay for any child to go to bed like that for 7 years. Just don't.

In return, I will tell you that I don't blame God. I've realized that He never answered my prayer, because there was nothing wrong with me.  I will tell you that I am the happiest with myself I have ever been and have worked through most of my self-hate. Some things take time just like all this that is going on. Marriage equality has and will continue to take time, but I think now is a good moment for us to all work on some perspective.

Wear my shoes for a moment and try to tell yourself what you have told others. Look at the girl and tell her she is sinning. Tell her it's a choice when she tried to pray it away. Tell her it's her lifestyle when all she did was live for God. Tell her that if she acts on her emotions and her heart that she will never be accepted, that she will always be sub-par. Tell her those things and lay yourself down to sleep.