Toast and Civil Rights

"Let a notch out in my belt yesterday on the way to vote against gay marriage."

This morning I woke up to the sound of my girlfriend's extremely annoying alarm clock. After snoozing it a few times, we finally got up, and she was nice enough to make me some toast. As we sat together on the couch, she began to tease me about how I eat toast, because I like to pull the crust off, pull the rest apart, maybe bite some off the chunk, etc. I suppose my inconsistency was what amused her. In order to defend myself, I jokingly retorted, "Listen, last time I checked I was in America, and I don't get many rights, but I do get to eat my toast any way I want!" We both laughed, but then I realized I was actually getting sad.

I have had many friends ask me how I feel about not being able to get married which is a legitimate question, because there are those in the GLBTQ community who have no desire to "conform to heteronormative standards." And I get that. I mean, my relationship is just as legit as any other, and I don't need a piece of paper to validate my love. However.....

"The federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) denies married, civil unionized and domestic partnershipped same-sex couples approximately 1,100 federal benefits currently reserved as special privileges to opposite-sex married couples. Even though their marriage may be recognized within a couple's state, the federal government considers them to be simply roommates; their children are regarded as illegitimate (www.religioustolerance.org)."

This is not a defense of marriage. This is a statement of hate. I had to read it twice, because I could not completely grasp what this means for me. It's different reading this and knowing it has nothing to do with you. Replace "same-sex couples" with whatever makes you a social deviant, and then re-read it. Not only am I refused 1,100 federal benefits, my relationship is diminished to a college random roommate assignment. And the kicker; not only am I punished, but my children are punished too with the label of "illegitimate." Why, do you ask? Well...

 "Most religious and social conservatives strongly prefer that the DOMA law remain in place; they do not recognize such families as valid. Many regard children being raised by two same-sex parents to be severely disadvantage or even intrinsically exposed to abuse because of the lack of a mother or a father" (www.religioustolerance.org).

"I'd rather have emphysema than gay marriage."

Anyone how has not continuously stuck their fingers in their ears singing "la la la" for the past 5 years knows this defense to be shotty at best. Any disadvantages are contingent upon this law where over a thousand federal rights are withheld. 

So,  what do I say when friends ask me how I feel about not being able to get marriage? Usually, I don't say anything. I don't want to talk about it. Just blogging about it makes me feel so sad. A few summers ago, however, a friend kept asking me. Finally, I put down my drink and just said, "I'm the only one at this party who cannot get married." I remember her looking around and as she did her eyes got bigger. It was like a blind person realizing the person beside them was black in 1960. 

That's exactly the point though. Naturally, we don't see these differences. We are taught to see them. But, ah, that's for another post.