Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

The equality symbol has gone viral on all forms of social networking. It has been inspiring to see such support for marriage equality in the United States. This viral symbol as well as pending rulings about Prop 8 and DOMA has also caused some backlash from fierce and dedicated antis.

There is no blog, meme, or video that can truly convince everyone. The beauty and frustration of free speech is the free part. People are free to believe certain ideas others may find incredulous. We have UFOs, Big Foot, Lochness, and a host of other conspiracy theories that some people truly put stock in. But there is a huge difference between Joe who has spotted a flying saucer and posts the video on the internet, and Jimmy who denounces marriage equality. The difference is how it affects others.

I am a lesbian. I'm also a teacher, daughter, volunteer, book-lover and cat-mom. Being a lesbian is a small part of who I am, but it engulfs every day of my existence. This not something that cis-gender, strictly heterosexual people understand.

A high school girl who is attracted to men goes to bed at night and freely thinks about that boy she likes in her math class without fear of consequences or what her parents might think (unless perhaps he is an ethnicity or race frowned on by said parents). She can flirt with him in class and not fear bullying or malicious teasing. Her salvation is not called into question, because she likes this boy. It is "normal."

Parallel that with a girl lying in bed confused, because a girl in her math class makes her heart flutter. She's heard that people like this go to hell and that God does not love them. And she wants to be loved, longs for it, so she tries to forget her crush and sleep. She doesn't mention her inner battles to her parents, because they might take her to the church elders for prayer. She couldn't stand the look in their eyes saying, "How did the devil get into this one? We thought she was good."  She can't open up to a friend because they have the same doctrine, and even her friends outside of church might tell other people. She holds leadership positions, teaches Bible studies, sings in choir...she could lose everything and become nothing more than a lost soul who has to work her way back up out of the pit again.

So, she decides that she'll do better to repress what's happening to her. She cries  and prays for deliverance. She's cried the same prayer for 7 years and in some ways it's gotten worse. She remembers that God must have a reason, but she can't help but think that no reason is good to keep her this way. She's dying inside. She's supposed to be full of the joy of the Lord in all avenues of her life and in everything she is. But this. This eats at her everyday like a song she can't forget or a word she can't remember. It's always there even when she doesn't acknowledge its presence, so she wonders if she's demon possessed. She closes her eyes and sees that girl from school and cries harder. She screams at God and immediately feels guilty. Her pillow is soaked, so she throws it aside for another one. She tries to stop crying. She tries to think of boys in her classes and hates how she feels....nothing. She thinks about the girl again just for a moment to feel her heart flutter. She hates herself for feeling truly alive in those moments; those moments she keeps in her memory like official documents in locked, fireproof safes. She wishes she were a boy, not because she wants all the anatomy, but because then she wouldn't have to feel this guilt. She imagines herself with short hair and baggy pants playing the guitar outside the girl's window. The fantasy makes her feel calm and even somewhat happy. She doesn't want any of this, so she tries to accept the fact that God must want her to if He hasn't taken it away yet.

Maybe if she's better, he will finally take it away. Maybe if she stops listening to secular music or watching movies, she would be worthy of deliverance. She calmly whispers, asking God to let her prove herself. She'll fast and pray more, anything to take this away. "Help me," she begs. "Please.

If you haven't figured it out yet, this girl is me. So, don't tell me homosexuality or anything "not heterosexual" is a sin. Don't tell me not to act on my attractions even if my feelings are natural. Don't tell me you don't approve. Don't tell me who I am supposed to love. Don't tell me that it's okay for any child to go to bed like that for 7 years. Just don't.

In return, I will tell you that I don't blame God. I've realized that He never answered my prayer, because there was nothing wrong with me.  I will tell you that I am the happiest with myself I have ever been and have worked through most of my self-hate. Some things take time just like all this that is going on. Marriage equality has and will continue to take time, but I think now is a good moment for us to all work on some perspective.

Wear my shoes for a moment and try to tell yourself what you have told others. Look at the girl and tell her she is sinning. Tell her it's a choice when she tried to pray it away. Tell her it's her lifestyle when all she did was live for God. Tell her that if she acts on her emotions and her heart that she will never be accepted, that she will always be sub-par. Tell her those things and lay yourself down to sleep.

I Assume You Can Do Anything

I was nervous when I was putting my syllabus together for my English 095 class the Fall of 2010. English 095 is for students who have low ACT scores and need more help before going into English Composition I and II which are graduation requirements. Before even entering the class, these students have been labeled as developmental writing students which they often translate into "stupid students."

Many students who come into ENG 095 are English as a Second Language (ESL) students, those from rural areas, and those with lower socio-economic status. These were the first students that I taught under my graduate assistantship at my university, and, boy, don't you know I felt that pressure.

The temptation is to lean toward the simplistic and in many ways these students need to learn the basic elements of college writing (organization, thesis statements, academic language). And these elements are daunting to students who write heavily in their first language or regional dialects. They've been told that their way of writing is "wrong" and "full of errors." Going into this class, I felt that I had two jobs: to teach writing and to edify these students..

So, when I made my syllabus I decided to not hold back when it came to difficult topics. Many professors would disagree with me saying that these students can't handle theoretical topics or ideas that aren't so obvious. As I added reading and writing assignments, I kept thinking about something my mom said to me a few years ago. We were talking about how she would point at the words when she read to me even when I was an infant. I laughed and teased her saying that it was impossible for me to learn that early. She replied, "I   didn't know what you could do, so I assumed that you could do anything." Those words have haunted my pedagogy and influenced my ENG 095 syllabus.

About half-way through the semester, I introduced my students to the idea of intersectionality which is a feminist theory about how people can be discriminated against on more than one level. For example, a black lesbian female has race, sexual orientation, and gender discrimination.The reading assignment for the discussion was a very long article which called for a level of critical reading that many instructors would not expect from ENG 095 students.

A few weeks later, the students turned in a paper in which they applied the theory to themselves and what that meant to them, if they were surprised, and how they dealt with it. I found out that one of my students has two dads. Three students came out to me. One student realized she was a feminist. She had come to my office a few days before the paper was due and was very distraught, because she couldn't figure out how she was discriminated against in any way. It took all my will power to not yell, "You're a woman!!" Instead, I found myself saying, "Why don't you go research how much women make versus men at Wal-Mart?" She looked very confused as she left my office. In her paper, she talked about how women are discriminated against in the home, at work, and with societal expectations.

These were students who were told by their teachers that they would never ever be able to handle this type of academia, and through feminism in their education they were able to redefine themselves as capable students and, for some, even as feminists.

Pride Number Five

Yesterday was the fifth Lexington Pride festival and probably the hottest in its history. Despite the oven-like temperatures, people from all across the tri-state area celebrated the GLBTQ community.

I've been to the Lexington Pride festival every year since 2008. The first year was very monumental for me. I had come out January of that year and just 6 months later I was walking through Cheapside letting my gay pride show to all of Lexington.

Pan the rainbow crowd

It was quite an experience to say the least. I went with my friend Robeij who had also recently come out. Together, we took some huge steps in maturing and developing as gay youth.

Wet homosexuals

Looking back, I can see how far I have come, how I started to realize that my identity as a person could never be summed up in one word, how I deserved more than what I settled for, how putting your happiness first isn't always selfish, and how powerful it is when people unite together for a common cause.

Dance like nobody's watching

The above picture is from Lex Pride 2009. I love this picture, because I remember this as a moment of hope for me. Many of us, especially in the gay community, face such adversity in our relationships. Those of us who are "out" still live in fear of persecution, religious altercation, and societal judgement in general. Seeing these two women dance and show their lasting love for each other was beyond amazing.

After Pride 2009, the location moved to the courthouse due to growth! In a very short amount of time, this festival had some extreme growing pains and needed room. The 2010 Lex Pride also started having local and national sponsors.

We knew him and C3PO were close but not that close!

As I was looking through all my facebook albums for pictures, I noticed that I always caption it with "hot". I suppose Pride being a hot, homorific day is not all that new.

I'm not sure if the leotard is scarier or the hand that is coming to get me

The outfits at Pride (any year) are always a hoot. This particular fella from Pride 2011 was great. From the frontview, nothing was left to the imagination. I'm pretty sure I could have told you what his kids would look like. 

Pride 2011 was an extra special year, because it was the first Pride that Emily and I went to as a couple. This is not to say I haven't gone to Pride with a girlfriend before, but, for me, going with Emily was great in that she got to see that it is possible to create a world where we can hold hands. We don't have to hide behind closed doors or around close friends. 

<3

So that brings us to Lexington Pride 2012. This was a great year in and of itself. We got to see so many people that we love. And, to me, I saw so many more gay parents this year with their children. It was heartwarming and hopeful. We signed the rainbow truck, had some beer, watching some drag shows, talked with friends, rain through a fountain, drank our weight in water, ate great food, and loved every minute and every one of it. 

LeeBroSto made it on the truck

Trans-itioning Through Hate

Too little purple and too much hate

Earlier this year, I was involved with gay & lesbian and feminist groups on my campus to raise awareness about trans issues. Admittedly, prior to this I had little knowledge of these issues myself. Although I have been relatively active in gay and lesbian issues in my community and on campus, I had never researched trans issues, because I did not feel like they related to me. I felt that it was not my battle; however, I've come to realize that the discrimination that trans people suffer are very parallel to anyone who is not a heterosexual male.

The suicide rate for transgender people is 50%. If you know two transgender people, then one of them has more than likely attempted suicide, perhaps even both. Depending on which website you read, gay and lesbian youth are five times more likely to commit suicide. They are three times more likely as adults. And, collectively, almost  non-heterosexual people suffer from discrimination.

Not only do transgender people (and GLBTQ individuals as well) suffer from suicide and discrimination, they are often the victims of violence and sexual harassment.

If you find these statistics appalling or what to know more about Trans issues, click "TranSouth". This is a digital version of the zine created last semester to raise awareness about transgender issues and learn more about transgender individuals

Thoughts on a Side Story: J. Edgar

No plot spoilers that aren't in history

Last night I watched J. Edgar with some friends, and it turned out to be a better movie than expected. I'll shed some historic light on it, so you won't have to refer to Wikipedia constantly after the movie to understand what's going on. J. Edgar Hoover (no relation to Herbert Hoover, 31st president) is famous  for having started and directed the FBI. So, the movie is pretty much how the FBI comes to life, what J. Edgar has to do to make that happen, the crimes that take place, backlashes, adversity, etc. 

What I am more interested in are the side stories. This movie takes into account the rumor that J. Edgar was a closeted homosexual and had a relationship with Clyde Tolson, the associate director of the FBI. I believe that albeit this was a rumor which  could have exploited, it was actually represented very tastefully. It shows a confused J. Edgar who seems extremely tormented by his sexuality. And this story, which is gingerly touched on, is what truly affected me from the movie.

Tolson and Hoover in 1939

It affected me to think of how tormented poor J. Edgar was and how he lived his life the truest he could with Tolson and with apparently little to no physical contact. Of course, this movie focuses on Hoover, but what about Tolson, the man who reportedly loved Edgar for the rest of his life? He stayed his companion to the very end, so much so that he was Hoover's heir and inherited all he had. I'm sure Tolson would have traded that inheritance for one moment when they could have been true to themselves without fear.